Needful Things

The one's I like…the person who oversees my training is "Bright Flame". He's funny and so down to earth for someone in an outfit like this he's a misfit. He seems so well adjusted, he should have a wife and kids somewhere. Maybe he does, I don't know. He often works with "Admirable," she's really nice too. She's one tough woman, despite the Southern charm thing she's got going on, sometimes I think she fakes that though. I often wonder how Warlike appears to them. Is it just a job to them, no questions asked beyond that? Is he fair? Are there good benefits? The pay must be killer, why else work for such a megalomaniac. Why is he more desirable over all the other warmongers? They all seem to understand the nature of the Company's business, and yet they sleep well, get along with each other and even watch movies together, like it was a family. There is no competitiveness that I can see. Still…this is not normal no matter how familiar it is to any of us.

When Bright Flame was informed about my amnesia, he shook his head and stuffed down his opinion with a grunt. His naturally open demeanor returned quickly enough, but with my heightened paranoia it was enough to make me suspicious. Admirable seemed taken back by my condition. While this unusual twist of my fate seems to disrupt people, it is momentary and easily passed over with the auto-response, "It's just the drugs" and/or the assurance that it's only temporary. "Here's the 'truth,' just accept it and be happy about it." This is what I mean about every one being liars. Though I realize that I have no grounds for judging them, I lie too. It's a prerequisite for this lifestyle.

Bright Flame doesn't seem to mind one bit that he has to retrain me, I remember in an unconscious sort of way. If I don't try to remember things will comes back to me, out of habit I suppose, or as he calls it muscle memory. I know how to block or disarm without remembering it. What ammo goes with what weapons, it does seem to be stored up in there somewhere because it comes out when I need it. This is somewhat assuring to me. It means that this has actually happened before and I'm not just being told it was so, which is how it feels.

Doesn't this also mean that I can't be crazy because your brain can only "make up" stuff it knows? I can't make up quantum formulas if I didn't already know them in some way right?

There is something else. Someone is missing. Of course I don't know who it is and won't until they show up. I don't feel like they are another wunderkind like Usurper or myself. I've heard there are others, but I've never seen them. In the Med. Center their names are on little glass jars, just like mine: "Dawn", "Harvester", "Handsome", "Gift of God", and "King". But this person I want to meet, is none of them, I'm sure of it. I don't even know if they are male or female, but there is an urgency to find them. I hope with every new person I meet that blank space will get filled, but it doesn't. I think they may be AWOL or MIA, so no one wants to talk about it. Or worse, turned traitor and defected or killed. If that's the case then the gnawing in the back of my mind will continue to wake me up at night.

Big Brother

There are many things about my situation that don’t seem right and including “Usurper.” My gut reaction towards him is aggravation. He's my “partner” (like we are working on some science fair project or something) and he is the most helpful, understanding person of the whole lot. And you see, that’s the problem, because I don't believe a thing he says. It's like Warlike has put him up to this and he's doing an Academy performance at being my buddy.

I tested him when we were running together the other day. I told him I had a dream that we were at a dance together, a really fancy ball. Warlike and Innocent Lamb were there too. (I really did dream this.) While they have attempted to wipeout everything I know, my brain is still trying to tell me something, I get the feeling that a lot of my dreams are not dreams at all, but memories rising to the surface, they’re too grounded and detailed for dreams. But anyways, in the dream I met another boy there who was as bored as I was with all the pomp and circumstance and BOOM— a big explosion, tables in the air, fire everywhere, people screaming, the whole nine yards. Usurper listened patiently, no reaction other than active listening. Then I told him how in the dream he was such a jerk that I ultimately punched him, right in front of Warlike and everything. His cheeks flared red. He sputtered in shock that I could think him so terrible and apologized for his dream self. But I saw it, in his eyes, for that millisecond there was anger there.

The other thing that doesn’t fit is that when we are alone, like when we’re running, he is personable, jokey, and ultimately a really big flirt, but if anyone else is around he’s like a robot. Only speaks when spoken to and everything becomes a ceremony with him. Things have to be done just right, in the right order and timing to attain a kind behavioral flawlessness. There is nothing careless or sloppy with him. You should see his room, the place is like a museum. Is this OCD behavior a result of his genetic enhancements or the accumulative effect having so much expected of you for so long, isolated most of his life like he has been? It makes me sad to watch him watch himself. I don’t get it.

Once I’m retrained we will have to start putting into practice all this training and we will have no one to trust but each other in a dangerous situation and I'm not going to be able to because frankly--he's a two faced liar. Well they all are, aren't they, even the ones I like. No one tells the truth or they disguise it with layers of jargon and enigmatic metaphor.